Day 176: Free Pet Day

Day 176

Today is “free pet day”. I’m supposed to make a lost dog sign and see if anyone claims to have found my puppy.

I don’t want a new dog now. I don’t want anything to do with dogs.

But I’ll write a little ad.

LOST: black and white small dog, answers to the name of Molly. Very friendly but very shy. I love her and I miss her so much.

I was going to go to a haunted hayride with Mike today, but when we get there, it’s closed. So I manage to convince him to watch a horror movie with me instead—Nightmare on El Street. It’s so good.

Plus we’re going to go to the hayride Sunday instead.

When I’m back in my dorm, I notice there’s an alert out for some guy who’s committed two assaults today.

And of course I only hear about this after I walk back to my dorm alone in the dark? That’s nice.

--

Halloween was pretty cool last year, got to do a lot with Mike.
This year, he's working more. I'm glad for him that he's getting more money in and he has a job he likes, but I miss him.

Day 175: Go on strike

Day 175

Today I’m supposed to go on strike, so I skip one of my classes. It’s a lecture class, and I feel that the structure of lecture classes is really not conducive to the learning environment, so I refuse to go today.

I do go to my other classes. And I hang out with Mike in the afternoon.

And this is the first day that I have not cried about Molly.

--

I'm sick right now but I have a midterm today.

Day 174: Still grieving

Day 174

Today I’m supposed to pay attention to my body hair, so I don’t shave.

Instead of telling you about my boring day, please read this little piece I wrote about my dog:

My dog is dead.

Molly is dead.

I don’t want to admit it.

I have to.

It hurts so bad, you know? She was there for me for 11 years and now she’s gone.

I know there’ll be another dog soon. But I can’t deal with one right now. Right now it would be a replacement.

There will never be another Molly.

I have to realize that and accept it.

That’s the hard part of grieving.

I keep idly thinking about going home and seeing her run around. I keep thinking that she’ll be there when I’m back home. But she won’t be.

I still find dog hair everywhere. It’s on my clothes right now.

I keep remembering how cute she was, how much she loved us. How she was really my best friend.

And now she’s dead. She’s gone. She’ll never be back.

Do you know how hard that is to understand? It’s impossible.

Death is a part of life, blah blah blah. It hurts and that’s all I know.

I thought I was ready. She was sick for over a year. I thought I’d understand it and be okay.

But it was too sudden. A year and a half of knowing and preparing and it was still too sudden.

It feels empty. It feels like, okay, what do I do now? Now I don’t have a dog. Who will run around the yard chasing squirrels? Who will be the one eating up all our table scraps?

I don’t know how to function anymore.

I’m like a robot here. I’m going to class, I’m hanging out with Mike, but it’s not the same. It’ll never be the same again.

She was just a dog. Who knew it could hurt this much?

--

We do have a new dog now, and I love her, and having her around helps.
But I still find Molly's hair everywhere. she did shed a lot.

Day 173: Grieve

Day 173

Today, I need to create my own task.

So here’s what I’ll devote today to doing: grieving.

I miss my dog.

I’m skipping one of my classes today—the other I have a test so I can’t really skip it—and I’m just spending the day with Mike.

I feel like such a wreck. I really don’t think I could make it to class today if I had to.

Molly’s gone and I can’t figure out what to do about it. She’s gone. I’ll never be able to pet her or hug her again.

I spend time with Mike, and it helps me feel better. But then tonight I dream of Molly being alive again. It’s sad.

--

I dreamed about Molly for about three weeks straight.
This was not a good point.

Day 172: Worst Day of My Life

Day 172

My dog was just put to sleep.

I don’t even know what to say. My brain is screaming THIS IS NOT HAPPENING NOT HAPPENING NOT HAPPENING.

But she’s gone and I can’t stop crying.

I wasn’t there when she was put down. I was there a few minutes before and seeing her sad sad face. I couldn’t handle it.

I miss her now.

Today’s task is to give up sleep and see what I can get done.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep. I don’t know if I’ll get anything done when I do.

Today’s just. It’s miserable.

I want my puppydog. (she wasn’t a puppy, she was 12, but she’s still my puppydog.)

I wish I could just stop crying.

Right now, I’m stuck in the basement of Mike’s church. He had come to my dorm when I came back to see me and comfort me, then he remembered he had a meeting here. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to this meeting, I’ve been down here for an hour, and the bus back to the dorm leaves in an hour.

And I don’t even have internet.

And I’m still crying.

This sucks.

--

That was the worst day of my life.
I don't want to think about it.

I don't know what the task was that day. I don't care.

Day 171: Sticker

Day 171

Today I’m supposed to put a sticker on a piece of fruit.

Problem is I completely forget about this. Oops.

Also, today is 10/10/10, which is 42 in binary. The geek in me thinks this is AWESOME.

--

Tomorrow will be bad. I remember what happened and I don't want to remember it.

Day 170: Sell something [and sick dog]

Day 170

Today I need to sell something I’ve made.

Today also, my dog was taken to the animal hospital. My parents think she might be put down today.

But after a few hours of crying and worrying, she’ll be okay. For today at least. This is really good.

My parents and I go geocaching in Boston, find some cool little urban treasures.

We also visit Molly in the doggy hospital. She’s doing so much better. It’s too soon to really say, but I think she’s going to pull through this and be okay. Which makes me so happy.

I sold a drawing to my dad for a quarter so I could get through today.

--

She wasn't okay.